fiat lux

Lately I have found that I’m on the slow lane of everything in a fast-paced world. It’s as if my life is running so slowly that it’s become a grande lenteur. I’ve packed and come back to Taipei. There is angst, jitter, doubt, and fear. If it seems that people around have been into something, settled in, on steady progress, together with, my current state of affair (the other meaning is truly unintended) is closer to naught.

I haven’t really written anything, things that just came naturally. Either I stopped listening to them lately, or they stopped coming. I’m not sure which is the case.

Sometimes I try to cheer, not me, the other people. Steadiness is something one can’t feign, and sometimes people find me reliable. But lately I found the foundation upon which I built my house is turning to sand. Maybe it wasn’t a solid rock from the very beginning, but I didn’t know. My awkwardness is starker than ever. I keep falling out of the loop.

This is a very strange feeling. Can be terrible. I’m fine with it so far. The hard part is to say honestly that, “Look, I’m not the one you thought you know.” I tried to shed many things. In the end I still lost my temper, made horrible judgement, wrong decision, unrecoverable mistake. Weakness in personality starts to show its strength in making faux pas. And for “but I thought you had always wanted to be with … ” or “yet didn’t you say or show or express that interest in …”, the answer is yes, but no. Sometimes things came out as A, turned to be B. At least this is what’s happening to me, against me, around me, and inside me.

And I can only be honest about them.

There are dreams and hopes, ideals and convictions. Dreams and hopes are good but they need to be bridged. And bridges are hard to find. There are ends without means. Ideals and convictions are dangerous when they are passionate and blind. They are ends in themselves, and, by their nature, mean in their unforgivingness and relentlessness.

Ars longa, vita brevis. One thing they share in common, they are both difficile.

lukhnos :: Nov.02.2006 :: essayer :: 1 Comment »